The 50-Year Proposal

A short skit about a greedy actor and producer who want to make money.

 

SCENE 1 – Live-Action Remake

PRODUCER: So you’re Mr. Goldigger? The reality TV star known for singing, dancing, magic trickery, talk show hosting, movie producing, and movie role hijacking?

GOLDIGGER: Yes, that be me. I came to propose ya something. It’s another movie; a series of movies, actually. Not like, a connected series like Space Wars or the Amaze’s Cinematic Universe, but a loosely-connected series.

PRODUCER: (Nods)

GOLDIGGER: Remember those old films Dizzy made in the 90s and 80s? Stuff like MuranSimba the Yellow LionHeraclesThe Big SelkieSlightly-Uncomforatble OnesJungle Man, even Mousestrels in Upover? What if… We remade all of them with real-life actors and settings!

PRODUCER: Hm… It’s an interesting idea. Go on, Mr. Goldigger. This might be a good way to waste some of the money we made off the profits of Revengers: Finite Peace and Space Wars: The Tale of Space Jam. After all, we got a lotta multi-media companies under our belt, and they could help us make anything at this rate.

GOLDIGGER: Alright! Boom! We got the plan. Now can I be in every film, please? I gotta be the main star, since I’m a star! And ya know that havin’ good actors like myself is gonna earn you lots and lots of money.

PRODUCER: Yes, you can be in every film. We have all the budget in the world here at Dizzy! We can make anything and the masses will consume it, regardless of quality! Where should we start out with the live-action movies?

GOLDIGGER: Ya know how childish they were? Like, fairy-tale level childishness. “Everyone lived happily ever after” and all that.

PRODUCER: Uh… Beyond discussing war, the death of a parent, French Revolution-era politics, and hanging one of our main villains, they were really childish. Sure they had dark themes, but look at that colorful palette that people love- that’s what makes our stuff sell (I think). We’re child-friendly through and through, so we could make some more mature remixes of our stories.

GOLDIGGER: Pretty much! Besides, kids LOVE dark things nowadays. We must make the color palette as gray and dark as possible. Oh, and make sure we make the more… Fantastical characters more realistic too.

PRODUCER: Then what do we do with Simba the Yellow Lion ? That story is made up of talking animals, so we couldn’t possibly- wait… Oh yeah! Our musical production of Simba the Yellow Lion has a lot of cool costumes and set pieces that hearkon back to traditional african culture-

GOLDIGGER: Photorealism! We use photorealistic CGI animals! It’ll be revolutionary! We can use photo realistic environments straight from the African savanna and nature documentaries as a reference! It’ll be amazing!

PRODUCER: Oh yes, I’ll take that over actually researching African culture to create a unique aesthetic anyday! Goldigger, you’re a certified genius I tell you, genius!

GOLDIGGER: And that’ll only be the start of it- how about we take out the fun musical elements of Muran and make it a pure, hard-boiled war story true to the original poem that’s only around 360 words long. Trust me, I know my old mythology! (Even though I only read up about that on a wikipedia article.)

PRODUCER: (Quickly writing the ideas down) Go on, go on!

GOLDIGGER: Alright, then we’ll also remake Genie of the Ring. Featuring me as the genie, of course!

PRODUCER: …But that would mean disrespecting the legacy of the Genie’s actor… A talented man whose performance has influenced the film industry and the childhoods of many. One of the most praised aspects of Genie of the Ring was that actor’s brilliant performance and the genie’s fluid animation. Maybe we don’t need you in this production, Goldigger. Maybe we don’t need a live-action remake with A-list celebrities and fancy CGI animation to make our older films special again. Maybe all of those movies we made are better off without any remakes, since they are still classics beloved by the masses young and old today. …But oh well, it’s a good opportunity for even more cash. So it’s on! Live action Genie of the Ring is official!

GOLDIGGER: ALRIIGHT! The ends ALWAYS justify the means! Always!

PRODUCER: We’re gonna be zillion-trillion-billion-super-ultra-monopoly-inaires! Woo-hoo!

END OF SCENE 1

SCENE 2: 50 Years Later

PRODUCER: Uh, Mr. Goldigger? I called you here to let you know the Dizzy Live Action remake of The Snow Queen bombed at the box office. Your idea 50 years ago… I think we destroyed the live action film industry. We over-saturated live action remakes so much that there are live action remakes for every animated film in the world.

GOLDIGGER: Nah, we’re fine. Live-action remakes are still trending! Just look at the film awards this year!

PRODUCER: This is the first time we haven’t won a statuette for anything.

GOLDIGGER: There’s a first time for everything! So what if this is the first time we haven’t won a
reward? Besides, I got a good proposal for you.

PRODUCER: What is it?

GOLDIGGER: How about we remake Fantasy in live action with CGI bears?

PRODUCER: No. We can’t possibly remake everything in that masterpiece with CGI.

GOLDIGGER: Then, live-action trilogy for The Dark Pottery!

PRODUCER: Nobody liked that film!

GOLDIGGER: What about 100 Labradors?

PRODUCER: We’ve done that several times before!

GOLDIGGER: Then we remake Anastasia Romanov in live-action!

PRODUCER: That was Dan Blart’s work! Why does everyone think we’re the same company!?

GOLDIGGER: Okay, this is my last resort. How about we remake The Book of Exodus as an animated film if you like your kiddy cartoons so much?

PRODUCER: We don’t own The Book of Exodus– wait a second the entire Old Testament is in the public domain! We could remake The Book of Exodus and then re-remake it in live-action! That is brilliant Goldigger, brilliant!

GOLDIGGER: Does that mean I’m in the film?

PRODUCER: You’ll be in the animated version!

GOLDIGGER: Wait, what?! But my beautiful face won’t be in it! You can’t just do that! Can you have
one character at least look like me-

PRODUCER: It’s The Book of Exodus. We can’t just have famous faces everywhere in an animated film based on an ancient religious text!

GOLDIGGER: Wait, go back, go back, can we just remake the story in live-action? We could have realistic CGI waves and frogs and plagues and dead firstborn kids and-

[There is a loud door slam, leaving Goldigger in the room alone.]

GOLDIGGER: DANG IT! I COULD’VE BEEN MOSES! I could’ve been Moses…

-END-

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